All the stuff and all the things

Um, all the stuff and all the things

Things that are just fucking lovely

I mean how delightful is this, just an awesome celebration of a lovely – and right – thing.
This is why Kiwis are so brilliant, and my second favourite people in the world.

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Things you’d have overheard if you’d been in my office yesterday

‘Can we all now agree that David Cameron looks like a shiny gammon steak? Also, I think he stole that umbrella’

‘Cuntybaws isn’t always an insult. I think it’s quite…friendly’

‘I once asked a policeman if I could play with his Scratch*.’      
‘Eh….where was it…?’
‘Bruges I think.’

‘What’s a merkin?’

‘He asked me what my main motivation is. I feel like I have to say world peace. I guess that sounds better than “getting off my tits on cheap wine”.’

‘Do you know what my main motivation is? Becoming Batman’

‘If he was an animal he’d be a shark. A shark wearing a merkin’

Things that nearly made The Boy vom on the bus

The entire class of 5 year olds that swarmed on the bus with us.

(Also possibly his hangover).

Things that nearly made me vom on the bus

The old jakey sitting opposite me (his knees were nearly touching mine. Gak!) tearing into a roast chicken with his bare hands

(Also possibly my hangover…)

YITA II

And therefore I give you this:

Things that make me want to weep by their mere existence

Have you guys heard of the Bechdel test? I bet you have you bunch of smarty pantses! Well I had not until today and now I am a bit sad that I know about it. I will come back to this topic, I have much more to say on the subject of Utter Bullshit – some of it relevant, some of it a bit five-glasses-of-wine-ranty – but in the meantime, let me, for those of you that didn’t pay attention in This Is How Fucked Up The World Is class, explain a little about the Bechdel test.

The test exists to identify films with gender bias. There are three basic parameters:
1) Does the film contain at least two named women?
2) Do they speak to each other?
3) Do they speak to each other about something other than a man?

My problem is not the test itself. It may be utter mince, it’s certainly not based on rigorous, independent scientific research. But in and of itself it is, I guess, A Good Thing. It is there to highlight the all-seeing, all-knowing, and seemingly all-acting power of The Patriarchy, or some such.
But I am so depressed that it even exists. That someone even thought it necessary to come up with. Especially question 3. Seriously? Bleuch.
Maybe it is just because I am coming to the end of a busy and frustrating week and my eye is firmly fixed on the Boozing Hour, but this has made me feel very depressed.

YITA

This should have been yesterday’s HTFIIOW but I got distracted by such inconveniences as work and drinking wine and so instead, on a more positive note, we have Yay, It’s Thursday Already with this cheeky little number to take  us through to wine o’ clock.

Things that make Sunday nights so much better

Finding out that your awesome friend Nick is coming a-visiting and bringing the also awesome Alan D with him.

Brussels and livers alike, be warned.

HTFIIOW II

Here’s a wee mid-week tune for you all.
And before all you Stone Roses fans are all ‘Oh my God, this is such a travesty blah blah bleuch’ – shut up. I like Stone Roses as much as the next person. Actually no, way more, given that the next person, or at least the person next to me, is a miserable German who listens exclusively to Westlife, Boyzone, NKOTB and David Hasselhoff. I owned my very own massively unflattering She Bangs the Drums t-shirt back in the day and I will always have a bit of a soft spot for Ian Brown despite the fact that he looks like a monkey in need of delousing. So I am ALLOWED. Because I am also a fan of songs covered in pleasingly original ways. And this songs pleases me greatly.

Things that make you go ‘Snow’

Well, um, snow.
Yes, il neige. Il neige beaucoup. And so no surprise that it’s also fucking froid.
I can’t decide if I love snow or I hate it.

I love: crunching through fresh snow; the prospect of a snow day; wearing hats; throwing snowballs at The Boy; sitting inside drinking tea looking at the snow; cosy boots; the way all the sounds of a city are slightly muffled by a heavy fall of snow; mittens and; your dentist appointment being cancelled

I hate: pretty much everything else…the fact that in a city, snow pretty much instantly turns to lethal, slippery slush; anyone throwing snowballs at or even remotely near me; that it’s all people will talk about; the seeming surprise/unpreparedness (we live in Northern Europe. It SNOWS. Every year. Sometime more than once.)

I’d usually say the negatives outweigh the positives, but given the dental based atrocities of last week I am, for now, only thankful to the white stuff for keeping me tucked up at home and away from pointy metal things.